Humor in the CPS Directory

April 11, 2009 at 6:08 pm 4 comments

I’ve been entertaining myself lately with the giant CPS directory that lists all the schools and their vital stats.  (Lots of extra time without freelance work right now – if anyone reading this needs a marketing researcher, please get in touch!)Every year CPS puts out their Elementary and Pre-School Directory so that parents can “shop” for schools.  These are available at the Library and I’d advise you to nab one now for next year, as this year’s model came out about 1 week before applications were due.This is a great book for looking at the hard data about schools (test scores, parent ratings.)  It also has the map of each school district which is helpful if you’re trying to figure out where to live.Each school gets to submit a blurb that is printed at the top of their page.  In theory, the school should use this as a chance to advertise themselves – to get prospective parents to stop and read more about the school.  It’s like their “elevator pitch” if you will.Needless to say, many of them deserve to be publicly mocked.  Some made me laugh, some puzzled me, and some made me wonder if they had delegated the job of writing the blurb to the school janitor.  Read on…..
(Disclaimer: My comments in no way reflect anything about the school.  My comments DO in every way reflect something about the blurb.)

 (Final Note: As a feminist-type, I applaud CPS for having a decent number of schools named after women.)

 OK, these make the school sound good:

At Trumbull, student achievement, enrichment, and fun all go together. We are proud of our enthusiastic and dedicated teaching staff, excellent standardized test scores, Literature and Writing Magnet Program, and many extracurricular activities.
West Pullman
West Pullman has a warm, friendly, and supportive atmosphere where staff, students, and parents put learning first.

Edgebrook is a wonderful place to learn. Dedicated staff members provide high quality reading, math, and science programs. Social studies and fine arts are integrated throughout the curriculum. Our grade level history fairs have become a highlight of the year. Students achieve the highest academic standards. Strong parent and community support provides enrichment experiences for our students.

Scholastic Academy provides a positive learning atmosphere for all students with a focus on reading and writing. We are proud of our long-standing tradition of academic excellence that has been a collaborative effort among all our stakeholders.

Schools my son would like based on their blurb:
Periodically, we see Mickey and Minnie Mouse running through the halls! This is a happy place where we believe that learning should be fun!
The first NASA Explorers School in Illinois.

Hanging their hat on one detail that doesn’t have much to do with actually educating kids: 
Our school has an Organic School Project — we serve all organic food for breakfast and lunch.
The original Avondale School was built in 1881. The current building on Sawyer Avenue was built in 1894 and holds landmark status.
At Cather, we have two enclosed flower gardens that we nurture and develop, just as we nurture and develop our children.
Franklin is the fifth oldest school in Chicago and opened when the city was just four years old. Find the plaque for the original building on Wells Street across from the campus park.
Volta alumni include: Florence Berman (owner, Super Dawg restaurant), Steve Goodman (City of New Orleans performer/composer), and Bob Sirott (TV personality).
Grammy-award winning hip hop artist Kanye West is a former student.
The school serves as the backdrop for the 57th Street Art Fair and Children’s Book Fair (Arne Duncan’s kids went here btw.)

A little too corny for my taste:
Where “can’t” is not part of the equation!
As a year-round school, we are like the Energizer Bunny, we just keep going and going and…

Are these schools as grumpy as they sound?
Then people visit Brentano they always leave with a lasting impression. Brentano has a positive school climate conducive for learning. If you don’t believe it, come see us for yourselves.
Bontemps has an open door policy and invites anyone at anytime to visit providing they get a visitor’s pass from the office.

…and where students learn to use lots of adjectives!
Haugan is a place where teachers are motivated, innovative and dedicated. Students are happy, ambitious, unique, genuine, accomplished and notable. In 2007, Haugan received an Exemplary Achievement Award from CPS for six years of consecutive gains on the ISAT.

OK, I know what they meant but one could interpret it in a slightly more creepy way:
Albany Park
Albany Park Multicultural Academy (APMA) has a very diverse student body that honors multiculturalism. The small school allows for personal relationships to develop between each student and staff member.
Locke School is more than just a school, it’s our home.

C’mon.  ALL?
All Dirksen School children are academically successful. 

A free school?! What a refreshing change from all those other CPS schools!
Drummond School is a year-round small Montessori Magnet School-within-a-School that provides students and their families with an exemplary and progressive curriculum, at no cost. 

Uh, your test scores would suggest otherwise:
here academic achievement is the only option.

Is this an elementary school or an exciting new loft development meant to attract yuppies?
The Ogden Elementary School is a neighborhood school on the near north side of Chicago. Located in a rapidly redeveloping cosmopolitan city, Ogden Elementary School serves students from a racially, ethnically, and socio-economically diverse community. Nestled among some of the most prominent cultural, social, and business institutions in the world, we are committed to providing a world-class education.

Stating the obvious….
You can learn more about our school by visiting our school website at
“A place where teaching and learning occurs!”

Motto that would be hardest to fit on a T-shirt:
Our motto: “We are available 24 hours a day and eight days a week.  Why eight days…? Because we go that extra mile!”

Taking a more philosophical approach:
Castellanos believes that educational change depends on what teachers do and think. It’s as simple and as complex as that.
Our motto: Learning is a cyclical inquiry action revolving through the stages of experience, accommodation, assimilation, memory, and transfer.

Entry filed under: Random topics. Tags: .

Skinner North Gifted/Classical Schools (Magnets?) – Round 2 is about to begin

4 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Clay Eals  |  April 12, 2009 at 9:40 am

    Great to see your post that invokes Steve Goodman’s formative years at Volta Elementary School. Goodman often doesn’t get his due. You might be interested in my 800-page biography, “Steve Goodman: Facing the Music.” The book delves deeply into Steve’s years at Volta, and Bob Sirott is a key source among my 1,050 interviewees and appears in a photo interviewing Steve at Wrigley Field in 1981

    You can find out more at my Internet site (below). Amazingly, the book’s first printing sold out in just eight months, all 5,000 copies, and a second printing of 5,000 is available now. The second printing includes hundreds of little updates and additions, including 30 more photos for a total of 575. It won a 2008 IPPY (Independent Publishers Association) silver medal for biography.

    To order a second-printing copy, see the “online store” page of my site. Just trying to spread word about the book. Feel free to do the same!

    Clay Eals
    1728 California Ave. S.W. #301
    Seattle, WA 98116-1958

    (206) 935-7515 home
    (206) 484-8008 cell

  • 2. just me  |  April 14, 2009 at 10:55 pm

    you really should be writing a book from this blog, I find your comments and “understanding” of CPS hysterical.

  • 3. Jan  |  April 24, 2009 at 9:32 am

    Bontemps has an open door policy and invites anyone at anytime to visit providing they get a visitor’s pass from the office.

    LOL – great post! The one above is my favorite – very passive/aggressive and even funnier that “bon temps” means “good times.”

  • 4. softball bats made  |  May 6, 2014 at 5:25 am

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